What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 04:18
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Where did the false claim that Haitian immigrants are eating pets come from?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What is a challenge you never want to face?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was very sick at this time too.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What did i know ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!